- In the bag. - In the bag.
You're quite a guy!
So am I.
We sure impressed that ambassador.
He's been taken in.
More champagne! That's what we need.
The way we suckered him...
What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
We told you to drive carefully. We're important people.
Hell yes! Extremely important people.
If you only knew what's in this case.
Don't you tell him.
The Cameroon ambassador wants to see us in the morning.
In one piece.
And you drive like a lizard, first left, then right.
You think you're in your jungle here?
We're not from the same jungle, are we? No.
Drive carefully.
These little brothers who come to France, don't they have any respect?
Did you even hear him say hello?
Little brother, where do you come from that you're so rude?
You from Togo?
From Gabon?
You can't be from Cameroon. From Dakar?
Wait, I'll have a closer look.
If his looks don't kill you.
With that face he might.
I'll tell you.
With a face like that,
he must be a representative of King Beyanzed.
You're killing me.
It's true!
That's a Beninese's face!
That's it. Benin.
Little brother,
are you from Benin?
The Ivory Coast.
Ivory Coast.
He's an Ivoirien.
"Can't see a thing!"
That explains it!
He's an "Y voit rien."
You've run four red lights,
you can't see a thing, and you drive at night without your glasses on.
Don't leave your glasses at home! Keep your eyes on the road.
Look! The road is over there!
Who gives these people cars? An Ivoirien!
What do you mean, "that explains it"?
I work from 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m., so don't fuck with me in my own taxi.
And I don't give a shit about your ambassador, okay?
Can't we have some fun?
We've had champagne, we're very happy...
No, you don't have fun in my taxi. I work in this taxi.
It's my place of business, not your fucking playground!
Okay, get out.
What do you mean?
Just get out of my taxi.
Little brother, I only said...
Forget it. Just get out.
Out of my taxi!
But it's 4:00 in the morning.
Little brother, what's wrong with you?
Look where you're leaving us!
Can you believe this guy?
Does he expect us to find a taxi here?
What a fucked-up day.
Big brothers, my ass...
Shit, they didn't even pay!
I can't believe this shit.
I'll kick your ass.
Here's one that won't give me any shit.
Nice driving, asshole. You almost flattened me.
What are we waiting for?
Quai de l'Oise, near Porte de la Villette.
It's near the canal.
At the next intersection
just follow Canal St. Martin up to Stalingrad Place
then along Quai de la Seine.
Look, I know my job. Don't tell me how to do my job.
IF YOU HAVE A PREFERRED ROUTE, INDICATE THIS TO THE DRIVER
Doesn't this sign say to follow my directions?
Did you change something?
What, me? Nothing!
Don't they teach you how to drive before unleashing you?
What are we doing in this tunnel?
Why'd you take the fucking tunnel? I didn't tell you to go this way!
I hate the tunnel.
Hold still. I got it.
Hey, don't blind people usually wear dark glasses?
Do they? I wouldn't know. I've never seen a blind person.
You've always been blind?
Yeah.
Must be a real drag being blind, huh?
Listen, jerk-off. I can do anything you can
and a lot of things you'll never do.
I'm blind, that's all.
You can't drive a car, for example.
And you can?
I didn't mean to make you mad.
I don't know any blind people. I'm curious, that's all.
I'm just like you. I drink, I eat, I taste things.
I listen to music. I feel music.
I do whatever I want. I even go to the movies.
The movies?
And what do you see at the movies?
Sometimes I feel the film.
I can hear it.
Oh, forget it. You're a pain in the ass.
Yeah, but when you eat, you can't see the food.
The carrots could be blue, for example.
And with music, you can't see the musicians!
You don't even know the shape of a guitar.
Yes I know the shape of a fucking guitar.
I feel things I'm sure you never will.
Okay then, if you're so smart, let me ask you a question.
Here's the question.
What color am I?
I don't give a fuck about colors.
But people have different colors of skin!
Look, I don't care if you're green or... blue like a carrot.
For me the word color doesn't mean anything.
I feel colors.
But you'd never understand that.
Okay. You hear my voice, my accent.
Tell me where I'm from.
And if I'm right I win a color TV, is that it?
I don't know, Africa.
From Cameroon.
No, the Ivory Coast.
Not bad!
You're exactly right! Treichville.
Can I ask you something personal?
What now?
What's it like in bed?
What in bed?
With a man, if you can't see anything, when you make love,
how do you know who's next to you,
who you're making love with?
Listen, when I make love it's with every centimeter of my body,
every pore of my skin. Unlike you, I'm sure.
Believe me, I know the man I make love with.
Even when he's on the stairs, I know it's him.
I can smell him from a block away.
A block away! He must really stink.
Fuck you.
I'm glad I can't see you, 'cause you must be an ugly bastard.
That's right.
Is this Quai de l'Oise?
Which side?
West of the canal, facing Porte de la Villette.
How much is it?
Forty francs.
Listen, asshole. I've been trapped in here longer than that,
and I don't need your fuckin' charity.
It must be 48 or 49.
Here's 50.
Keep the change.
You think I was born yesterday?
Watch out for yourself!
Watch out yourself.
Don't you look where you're going? We're not in Africa here!
You're a racist!
No, I'm not a racist, but you drive like a fuckin' black!
The road goes this way, and you were going that way!
Are you blind or what?
But it's not my fault!
I can't see a thing.
They could put up a streetlight once in a while in Rome.
Would you like to meet and make love?
Confirmed. I repeat, send a car immediately.
Where should we do it?
12 Marmoratta Street.
And then?
Buffalota Street, number 40.
And after?
Piazza Quadrata, but there is no number.
Okay, we'll do it in Piazza Quadrata.
Correct, confirmed, but there is no number.
How many times will we do it?
One thousand and one.
How soon?
Five minutes. Three cars.
Three taxis? You little slut! We're through.
Hotel Genius. What a name for a hotel!
Good evening. I'd like a room between...
Leonardo da Vinci and Einstein.
Yes, thank you. Who's this?
Dante Alighieri, how's it going?
I'm here having coffee with Shakespeare.
Isaac Newton!
Beethoven!
Beethoven, I'd like you to meet Charlie Parker.
Say something to him, Charlie.
Charlie Parker at the Hotel Genius...
If there's no room at the Hotel Genius
I'll take a room at the Hotel Imbecile.
Rome deserted.
Beautiful city.
The Romans have all left Rome.
Where did they go?
Everyone's in Bergamo.
What do they do in Bergamo?
I love these one-way streets!
It's like bumper cars.
"In the middle of the journey of our life,
oh, dear friends, to you I convey,
I found myself down a street one way."
It's a one-way street!
That's right, it's one-way, you jerk!
This wall wasn't here yesterday!
Like Saint Pete, I will retreat.
And like the saints that led, I'll move ahead.
Another one-way street!
They're always changing everything. Fuckin' idiots...
I'm dangerous?
I've got a taxi and they've got guns
and I'm dangerous!
I should turn around and run them both over.
A bishop alone in Rome at 4:00 a.m.!
Bad luck! Touch my balls.
Excuse me, Father. The statue confused me.
I couldn't see you. Excuse me.
Across town, please. To Tiburtino.
Tiburtino? Not the Vatican? Aren't you a bishop?
No, not the Vatican. And I'm not a bishop.
Father, I want to tell you that I'm deeply honored
to have a bishop in my taxi.
My dear son, I'm not a bishop.
Yes, I know, you're not a bishop, but...
My son, may I ask you a favor?
Anything, Father!
Could you remove your sunglasses?
It's not safe to drive at night with dark glasses.
I put them on this morning and forgot I was wearing them.
I see better now. Thank you!
I feel like a blind man who's miraculously recovered his sight!
Everything okay, Father?
Everything's okay.
Excuse me, but it says NO SMOKING.
That sign? I keep forgetting to get rid of it. Sorry, Father.
They put one in every taxi. It's ridiculous.
Father, I know this will sound a little strange,
but here we are alone, at night in a taxi,
and it's a little embarrassing,
but I would like to confess.
But this is not the appropriate place, my son.
I know, I said it myself
we're in a taxi, not church, but I must confess, Father.
Dear son, confession is an act that must remain anonymous.
The church must preserve this anonymity. Otherwise...
But I promise I won't tell anyone!
I'm not Roman, I'm Tuscan.
I've had this taxi for 15 years here in Rome,
and in 15 years
I swear I've never picked up the same person twice.
And even if I picked you up again in 10 years
I wouldn't recognize you, dressed as a bishop.
And I promise I won't look you in the face.
After all, I've got to drive.
I must confess. Please!
You won't have to pay the fare, okay?
If you don't hear my confession, I'm afraid I'll burn in hell.
But this is unacceptable.
Father, I've got so many sins to confess.
First thing, when I was about 12 or 13 years old,
when boys become big men,
well, each his own physique...
and you begin to feel that desire for, how can I say it...
for love!
For sex!
You feel the need for
release!
You understand? To relieve this desire to...
Anyway, I lived in the country and there weren't many women,
and though you're still a kid,
inside you feel a man's feeling,
and there was no way to... release this feeling.
So the idea, not mine, but a real intelligent friend of mine's,
of relieving ourselves with...
we made love with... how do I say this?
With pumpkins.
Warm, soft, damp, with seeds inside, so round...
And we would... Help me find the words, Father.
We relieved ourselves with these pumpkins.
But then, after a certain age, I quit.
I don't know if my friends quit, but that's their business.
I quit because I felt, Father, and I'm sure you'll agree,
in growing up to be a sensitive, even religious man,
that love is something every man needs
not with a vegetable, but with something
alive!
Something that moves, that's warm, that looks you in the eyes.
Something with a soul.
Anyway, there was a...
a sheep.
A beautiful little sheep!
She was nice, kind, sweet, pretty.
I called her Lola.
Not an ugly old sheep like the others,
but a little sheep. So delicate, refined!
Soft wool, two big eyes watching me.
At first I didn't even notice.
And what a sweet little voice!
And I was enchanted.
Not like the other sheep.
Her movements were so refined.
She'd come beside me, and somehow
I was always on top of her.
She was so pretty... even erotic!
She would embarrass me because
she would come around when I was with my friends.
People began to notice this. It was embarrassing.
In fact, finally my father noticed.
A horrible memory.
Do you know what my father did?
He sold her to a
a butcher.
He sold my Lola to a butcher!
A butcher named Guido Rusticoni.
A fat, hairy, sweaty guy. Rude, uneducated.
Really ugly, disgusting. He was horrible.
My Lola to a butcher for 80,000 lire.
I felt so badly that I haven't eaten meat since.
Even now when they ask me, "Do you want some lamb?"
Me, lamb? No, thanks.
I don't eat vegetables either, because of the pumpkins.
In fact, I don't eat much at all anymore.
It was very traumatic for me.
What I want to say is, I understand that these are big sins,
but truly, Father, they are sins of love.
Gino, how are you?
Nothing's going on, really. No customers.
It's a lousy night.
Nothing here either. A real slow night.
We haven't made a cent.
A bishop.
A bishop?!
A real one? Oh, let me see!
What a darling little bishop!
He's charming.
Stop by later, okay?
Gino always cheers me up.
Pretty girls, eh?
So, my brother Vincenzo lives here in Rome too.
He's a plumber. Repairs pipes, water.
One night he invited me to dinner,
he and my sister-in-law. Monica.
So I went to their house.
They have a female dog too. Very cute.
So after dinner, he got an emergency call.
The pipes exploded in a condominium. Water everywhere.
And like a lightning bolt, he ran off with his tools,
and I was left alone with Monica.
Now, Monica is beautiful! You should see her.
Absolutely gorgeous.
She really likes me.
She always looks at me with those strange "sister-in-law eyes."
At their wedding I said, "Congratulations!"
But she looked at me strangely.
She married my brother, and we're the same type.
I'm even more handsome than he is.
So Monica and I were alone.
She started to clean up at the sink.
As she bent over, I was sitting behind her like this,
and from this position I saw
two cheeks!
An ass from out of this world!
With tiny white panties,
riding up a little so you could see one whole cheek!
The other was partly covered.
Father, I couldn't control myself!
She turned and looked back at me with those eyes...
and suddenly I was on top of her.
Father, that beautiful ass!
Pink, soft, round like a pumpkin!
Those soft, wool panties reminded me of the sheep,
the pumpkin, the sheep, my brother's wife...
I was on fire!
Then we were on the floor, under the table!
The beauty of it!
What pleasure! We enjoyed ourselves like... imagine, Father...
Heaven on earth!
I said to myself, "But this is my brother's wife!"
But I couldn't stop!
And I said it again, "It's your brother's wife! Stop!"
But I couldn't!
It lasted hours!
And she screamed!
And I screamed!
It was terrible.
Just beautiful.
I turned her over,
kissed her all over, her neck, her perfect breasts...
I stayed there all night.
I never went back because she's my brother's wife,
although he never noticed anything.
Now she smiles whenever she sees me
and I say, "Remember when we fucked like animals on the floor?"
It was truly paradise!
My gorgeous sister-in-law!
I don't know if you ever made love with your sister-in-law, Father,
but you should try it, because it's absolute heaven.
Then you just confess. It's incredible.
Father, I know these sins must be confessed,
but they were just so wonderful.
I haven't upset you, have I?
I guess he fell asleep.
Father, don't fool around!
Not feeling well?
You're not... dead, are you? I don't hear anything!
Holy shit!
It's me, your taxi driver!
I've killed him!
My God, what have I done?
He's dead!
I've killed a priest.
Even worse, a bishop!
They'll give me life!
How many years do you get for a bishop? Twenty? Thirty?
Are you asleep?
Joking?
He's dead. I've killed a priest!
I'll be in all the papers:
TAXI DRIVER KILLS BISHOP
My brother will find out everything about me and Monica!
What a fucking mess!
And such a nice little priest. So delicate!
I shouldn't have told him about the sheep and Monica!
I'm sorry, Father. Now I'll really burn in hell!
Where should I put him?
Only a priest, but he weighs enough to be a cardinal.
40 India Street, first call.
40 India Street, car needed. Second call.
Car 285 to India Street. Thanks, 285.
29 Industrial Road, three customers waiting. First call.
29 Industrial Road, three customers. Second call.
Industrial Road 29, three customers. Third call.
Car 101 will take Industrial Road.
Hi, Mika! Okay. Bye, bye.
Bye, bye.
You called a taxi?
No, we called a garbage truck.
But you'll have to do the job.
Is he all right?
No, he's not all right.
But don't worry about it.
Let's go.
Where?
Home.
My house is closest, so drop me off first.
We're gonna take Aki home first.
But he lives furthest away, and he's fucked-up.
You're the one who's fucked-up. He's our friend,
and in that condition, we've got to make sure he gets home okay.
Then you'll have to pay.
But I don't have any money!
Well, I don't either!
What about him?
His severance pay.
Okay, we've got money.
Let's go.
Where?
We all live on the same block.
Just drive across town.
What's your name?
Mika.
When I was a kid I had a hamster named Mika.
By the way, what was that about his severance pay?
He lost his job today.
Is he all right?
No, he's not all right.
Didn't he just tell you that he lost his job today?
He's all fucked-up,
and losing his job is just a small part of it.
What do you mean?
Today was the worst fuckin' day of his entire life,
that's what I fuckin' mean.
Or yesterday was, anyway...
I'm sorry to hear that.
What would you know about it?
You have no idea how he feels.
At the moment, I doubt he feels much of anything.
Look, Mr. Taxi Man, don't fuck with us!
Be careful, you idiot! He's driving!
You're the idiot!
Stop! Or you morons can walk home!
Can I ask something?
What?
Your friend. What happened to him that was so terrible?
Besides losing his job, I mean.
What was so terrible?
I'll tell you what was so terrible.
This morning he drives his car to work.
New car, just paid off.
He parks and goes to work.
He's late for work, but that's nothing new.
But today, bad news:
he's fired.
Late once too often.
So then he has a big fight with his boss.
They throw him out into the street
and his severance pay after him.
He picks up the envelope, brushes himself off
and walks back to his car.
But instead of his brand-new car
there's a smashed, fucked-up ghost of his car.
Smashed to fuckin' shit.
Some fuckin' idiot has turned his brand... new car
into a useless pile of shit.
So he has a few drinks to calm down, then takes a bus home.
At home, waiting for him, are his wife and 16-year-old daughter.
They're both crying, and the wife tells him they have a big problem.
Then the daughter runs off to her room, crying.
And the wife tells him that his daughter, 16 and unmarried,
is pregnant.
A beautiful girl too, his daughter.
You shut up! That's no way to talk about our best friend's little daughter.
I didn't mean it like that!
I know what you meant, you fuckin' slimy fungus!
So, is that all?
No, that's not all.
He tells his wife that he's lost his job
and then about their car.
She becomes hysterical and screams that she wants a divorce.
That he's no good as a father or a husband.
And then she chases him from the house
with a big fuckin' butcher's knife.
A bread knife.
A butcher's knife!
He said it was a bread knife!
No, he made a point of saying it was a butcher's knife!
Things could have been worse.
What could possibly be worse than that?
Okay, Mr. Taxi Man.
Whatever happened to you that was worse than that?
You want me to tell you?
Yeah.
Do you have any children?
I have a son.
I have a daughter.
I'm glad I have a son and not a daughter.
You're an idiot. A daughter is much better.
That way you won't have a son who'll grow up to be like you.
Even more important then, in your case.
In your case, soon nothing will be important!
Knock it off! Or you idiots will have a long walk.
What about the terrible story you were about to tell us?
I'm married.
That is terrible!
Big deal.
My wife and I both work hard. She has a job, and I have two jobs.
We've been saving money because we want to have a family.
A daughter or a son.
For a year we've worked at having a baby.
Nice work if you can get it.
Shut up and let him finish.
Is that your wife?
Yeah.
Eija.
Anyway, after a while my wife became pregnant.
We were so happy. My wife's belly got bigger and bigger.
Then, in the sixth month, she started feeling strange
so I took her to the hospital right away.
Was she all right?
Well, I took her to the hospital and they took her inside.
I was worried, waiting and waiting for hours.
Finally the doctor came and told me
that Eija had a baby.
She was all right, and the baby, a little girl, was alive.
I was so happy I was about to explode.
A little daughter.
But the doctor looked worried.
He told me the baby was way too early.
So far she was okay, but she was in an incubator.
And then he said
there was almost no chance the baby would live.
So what happened?
The next day I brought my wife home from the hospital,
but the baby stayed there in the incubator.
You should have seen her though.
So tiny and perfect.
Tiny hands, tiny feet.
She was shaped like a little peanut.
But the doctor didn't give us much hope.
He said she wouldn't live more than a week,
our tiny daughter.
Eija was so scared that she was about to go crazy.
So I made a big decision.
I decided that I wouldn't love this tiny little child.
If she was going to die, I would have to stay strong and distant.
I couldn't stand the pain of losing this child.
So I decided to kill my love.
A week went by, and the baby lived.
Then another week went by, and part of a third.
After three entire weeks the child was still alive.
But the doctor was still very negative.
That started to make me angry.
I sat up all night in the kitchen
while my poor wife lay awake in the bedroom.
And I sat there, just as the dawn was about to break.
The light outside was just like it is right now.
Then Eija came to me and said I'd made a mistake.
I realized she was right.
If that baby was going to make it, it needed all my love.
The strongest love possible.
It was a relief.
I felt my love for that baby surge through every pore of my worthless body.
I felt so happy and clear.
That little peanut was our child
and we cried out of happiness.
We tried to eat some breakfast, but we couldn't.
Then we drove to the hospital.
We wanted that baby to feel all the strength of our love.
At the hospital
the doctor was right there to meet us.
His face was very serious.
He took us aside.
And then he told us that a short time earlier,
just before sunrise,
the baby had died.
Nothing could be done. It was too late...
Don't worry.
You and your wife can make another baby.
Maybe we can, sometime.
Such a sad story.
You're a good guy, Mika.
Aki is so full of shit.
His life isn't so terrible after all.
He fuckin' whines about such trivial shit.
Some people have got real troubles.
You're right, Mika.
You're a good man.
We're almost home.
Take the next right, then a left. That's our street.
What about your friend? Is he okay now?
Fuck him.
Yeah, forget about him.
What about his wife, and the big knife?
What knife?
Oh, that. Fuck it.
He'll push his way into one of our houses if he can't get into his own.
He's a leech anyway.
Don't worry. Everything will be all right.
Yeah. And send greetings to your wife, Eija.
Yeah, give her my best too.
Wake up, Aki!
Who the fuck are you?
Where the fuck am I?
You're in a fucking taxi, near your fucking home
and you owe me the fucking fare.
Yeah, I know. Nothin' for free.
Thanks.
You all right?
You know where you are?
Yeah.
Helsinki.
Morning, Aki.
Morning.